I voiced concerns about Matt's development several times, but he passed his M-CHAT (autism screening test) at 18 months and 24 months, so I was reassured that he was just developing at his own pace. After all, every child is different, and Matt was so quiet and laid back that we just assumed it was a personality issue. We decided that since his screenings were all normal, that he was just going to be an introvert. He had also had a lot of ear infections, so the doctors and I thought that maybe this was the reason for his speech delay. All of a sudden Matt started to talk at 2 1/2 years old (we later learned that all he had was echolalic speech, but we didn't know that was something to worry about at the time), so we pushed the secret fears even farther away. When he had an abnormal gait at 15 months, we took him to a nationally renowned specialist in pediatric orthopedics. We were assured that he was within the realm of normal and to come back if he was not walking well by 24 months. All he needed was time. He had extreme aversions to textured foods, but the pediatric dentist noted a highly arched palate to explain that fear away - he just couldn't mash food well because of his anatomy.
Deep down inside though, I knew Matt was a special kid. He just had a vulnerability about him recognized by all - we couldn't put a finger on it. As he got closer to the age of 3, my fears that had been suppressed for awhile started to resurface. He just wasn't catching up with his peers. In fact, the differences between him and other kids his age were becoming much more apparent.
It really hit my husband and I one day when we had some kids over for a play date. The pack of children would be playing on one side of the backyard, and Matt would be on the other side of the yard. Wherever the pack of kids went, Matt would go the other way. I didn't want to consider the word 'Autism' as a possibility. I had the irrational fear that if I said the word, it would make it true. It would cause my perfect child to be something less.
Around Matt's 3rd birthday, I brought the matter up with my husband. The conversation went something like this: "did you ever think that maybe Matt is the "A" word?"....... I couldn't even say the word for fear it would make it real. My husband said, "well, yeah, but you didn't seem worried so I never said anything." My response: "well, you never said anything, so I thought I was being overly concerned." We pulled up an online M-CHAT, filled it out, and had it automatically scored. We didn't realize just how much regression had taken place between ages 2 and 3, but this was the first time he had failed it. The dreaded result: "your child is at risk for autism, see your doctor" came up.
I just stared at the screen in front of me, letting it sink in, a million thoughts running through my head. I'm a medical professional in pediatrics, how could I possibly have missed this in my own child? I got out my journals and reviewed the diagnostic criteria for autism with a more objective eye toward my own child. Sure enough, he fit criteria perfectly. I'm trained to recognize autistic spectrum disorders, how could I miss it in my own son? Thus began the journey towards an "official" diagnosis and getting help.
This experience has made me a better practitioner. I've learned that if a parent is concerned about their child's development, even if they've passed all of our validated screening tools, you need to take them seriously. At the very least, they deserve to be referred to early intervention services or the developmental pediatrician for a closer look.
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| My ever contemplative Matthew at 3 years old |
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